it still hurts...

i don't know if it's just me that's going mad...people told me:"it's gonna be ok...the pain will eventually go away, you'll see. time heals everything." yet i find myself here ...5 months later not knowing when has all this time went by... i find it hard to stay connected to reality as all i see around is gloomy and superficial...and fake. yet on the inside ... it's love and pain. a pain that instead of going away like i was told...and like i told myself so many times, it seems to grow bigger with each day that goes by. a pain that makes me feel old and i really don't know how i'm going to pull myself out of it... my nature is happiness and laughter...it's written even in my name and i never thought it will ever be so hard to smile. Michael..where are you ? my eyes are looking desperately for you ...but all i catch is glimpses...in my son's eyes...in the very first ray of light that shines announcing a new day... in the face of the moon that seems to guard me as i listen to your voice at night... i find you in the poems i write while i cry... i miss you endlessly and i don't think there are words to express this accurate enough... i want to dive once more in that ocean of love you blessed this world with... i love you...

If I could turn back time I would do anything not to die but ....